Reduce Family Stress: How to Practice Mindfulness
If you want mentally healthy kids, mindfulness isn’t an option, it’s a necessity. Why? Because mindfulness works. You may know that to be true, but most people just don’t know how to practice mindfulness. Welcome. This blog post is for you. Let’s dive in-breath first.
A lot of people think mindfulness looks like a meditation pillow sitting high on a pillar, right next to a singing bowl. It’s not that. It’s super simple. Mindfulness is paying attention to your thoughts, actions and words and how they affect you and the world around you. Mindfulness is also about being aware of the world and mindfully choosing what it is you want to focus on. It is choosing to respond over reacting.
In family terms, mindfulness means that each family member pays attention to what they think, do and say to themselves and each other BEFORE acting on their thoughts, words and actions. A family unit that thinks before they speak or act and chooses to respond to each other instead of reacting sounds lovely, right? So why don’t more parents push for it? Why do so many say it’s too hard or their kids don’t like doing it? I think it is our preconceived notions of how mindfulness has to look and if we aren’t all peacefully floating on clouds by the end, we failed.
The truth is, mindfulness is a muscle. When you work it out, it grows stronger; when you don’t, it is weak. And just like muscles, if you stop working out, get “too busy” or only work sporadically, your muscle growth is going to be very limited. You will most likely give up. But once you get consistent, you make significant muscle gains fast. In only two weeks of practicing mindful gratitude, subjects saw results on brain scans. Your kid’s mental well-being is too important to give up on, so here is your mindful workout plan to grow strong, mindful muscles. (I find kids understand this metaphor and can relate to the terminology of strengthening this skill.)
MAKE MINDFULNESS FUN
I got gifted with some odd superhero talents, but I am in good company. One of my superhero skills is looking at things that might seem boring to kids and making them fun. I call this my ‘MP skillz’ - which is short for Mary Poppins’ skills. Remember what Mary Poppins said, “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and snap, the job’s a game.” That’s my theory for mindful breathing, and I think it should be yours too. Think of it as a mindful mash-up - the ability to mash a song, game or challenge with mindful breathing and introspection.
Are you kids little? Animal sound breathing is always a hit. Play ’guess which animal I am by the noise I make’. The only catch, to make a big sound, I need to take a big, long slow breath as the warm-up to every great roar, growl or ribbit. Have you ever floated up in a hot air balloon by filling it up with your breath? For bigger kids, have you ever done nerf target breathing (great for teaching-focused breath), lego breathing or glow ball breathing? Hold that pose yoga breathing?
Think outside the box. When you make it fun for kids, you make it easy to get the skills they need to regulate emotions. And, they’ll associate mindfulness with fun, meaning they will be more apt to reach for it when they need it.
Side note: If you feel like you’re not creative enough, you may want to think about joining us in The Rooted Circle. Every month I give you a fun, engaging family toolkit for growing in mindfulness. Each month you’ll get a fun breathing exercise to spark creative fun.
MAKE MINDFULNESS ROUTINE
If you want something to grow, you have to water it. That’s the basis for focused intention. If you want to have kids that use mindfulness as a tool, you have to make it as routine and disciplined as brushing teeth or putting on a new toilet paper roll. (Ha, just kidding. Toilet paper replacing is a higher-level skill set that does live upon the meditation pillows with singing bowls. Making breathing routine is easier than replacing a toilet paper roll.)
Here’s where I think lots of parents get hung up with teaching mindfulness: They wait until their kid needs it to use it. That’s like trying to teach someone how to play tennis while they’re getting balls hit at their face. Their brains are already too far in the emotional response (anger, fear, frustration, sadness) to register what the skill they need to calm them down. It’s called an ‘amygdala overload,’ and when your child has a full-on fight or flight response, it’s not going to happen. When I teach this at workshops, this is when I get the collective “ah-ha”. You have to teach the skill before you can expect them to use it. The best time to teach these skills is ANYTIME your kid is calm. If you live with a kid that is rarely calm, how about just in a decent mood?
Practicing these skills when you are in the car, making dinner, before bed, reading stories. (Make a deep mindful breath the signal to turn the page.) As you are teaching them how to breathe, you add in the why so they understand the connection of when to use it.
We practice breathing because it helps our brain think when we are upset, stuck or just want to think more clearly.
We practice breathing because it can help make our big emotions come back down to regular size, so we have control over them.
We practice breathing so when we feel (angry, frustrated, scared, stressed), we don’t say or do something that would hurt someone else’s feelings or body.
We practice breathing to train our brain to grab calm and peace when we need it most.
We practice breathing so we can release the feelings we don’t want to hold onto and make space for the ones we do.
MODEL MINDFULNESS IN YOUR OWN LIFE
Work. Work it, girl, do ya thing. Go out and model mindfulness and breathing like it’s your job (because it kind of is). If your life job description is to raise happy, healthy, mentally fit kids, then this is part of the deal. I am going to say this in my best loud motivational, kid-advocate voice I can:
YOU CAN SAY SOMETHING IS IMPORTANT, BUT UNTIL YOUR KIDS SEE YOU LIVING IT AS IMPORTANT, IT WON’T MAKE A MEANINGFUL DIFFERENCE IN ANY OF YOUR LIVES.
Research backs that up. Parents and primary caregivers are the BIGGEST influence in a kid’s life. They learn best by absorbing incoming information around them. Guess how much verbal communication we typically recognize in our brains? 7%. Yup, a whopping 7% is what we take in from verbal communication. The rest is from body language and actions. This also may be why you feel like you say the same thing ten times a day. 7% is not a good average for transferring valuable information. Do you know what is? Showing kids through modeling.
This means you might have to change the way you do and look at things. Don’t worry, it’s good for you, too, even if it feels awkward at first. If it feels uncomfortable or awkward, congratulations. You now have some empathetic understanding and common ground of how your kiddos are feeling. Use that to your advantage. Be vulnerable, share that this is out of your comfort zone too, but you are going to make it a habit for your mental well-being. Not only are you modeling mindfulness, but you are also modeling a growth mindset. Here are a couple of quick and easy ways to do this:
Every time you feel overwhelmed, frustrated or stressed, tell your kids that you are taking a break to do some deep breathing. (And then do it.)
When you get in the car with your kids, play a game at stoplights where you all take deep breaths until the light turns green.
Set timers for “breathing brain breaks,” where you take three deep breaths at regular intervals.
When you feel frustrated and ready to explode, verbalize it to your kids. Let them know you are going to use breathing (or another mindful technique) to take that feeling to a manageable size and that you may need space for a moment. Taking a step away to collect yourself shows them that they can do the same.
ASK YOUR KIDS HOW THEY WANT TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS
Another major ah-ha for many parents is when I ask them if they’ve ever asked their kiddos how they would like to calm down? Some say yes, some say no. I follow up with, “Have you ever asked them how they would like to calm down at a time when they are already calm?” No one has ever said yes.
Asking your child how they would like to calm down when they are already fully immersed in an amygdala overload stress response is like handing someone a parachute after they have jumped out of the plane. It’s not going to be much help. However, asking your child BEFORE they hit a high altitude of stress reaction allows them to plan for these moments. Pick out a few key breathing exercises, some physical activity (jumping jacks, high knees), favorite music, put together a sensory or ‘calm down’ basket, a book on tape or guided meditation. Get three to four things that work and ask your child to commit to trying them the next time they feel an overwhelming feeling growing in them. This teaches your child to look at the trigger point of when the feeling starts. That is the key time to start using a tool to calm down.
Using this method is like standing in the airplane next to your child with options as they contemplate jumping out of the plane. Options that may keep them from jumping without a parachute in the first place. Or at least giving them a parachute before they jump so they can land safely without hurting themselves or someone else.
It also builds ownership of the emotional state. When kids have a plan they can use, they begin to choose how to feel, which is the key to self-regulation and developing positive social-emotional skills, which influence and develop cognitive skills. Have you noticed that when your kids have buy-in, meaning they take ownership, that parenting is a lot easier? Asking them how they want to use breathing and calming tools instead of IF they want to use them takes away the option of not using them. It gives them the power to make choices that work best for them.
There you have it, the four to score mindfulness in your home. If you follow these, you will make a difference in your child’s overall well-being, ability to manage emotions, social skills and confidence in their ability to control themselves in any situation.