How to Help Your Child Become An Independent Learner
Helping your child become an independent learner can be very tricky to navigate as a parent. We all want to help our kids, but what does too much helping look like? Or not enough?
Let’s just state the obvious; your child’s teacher most likely does not sit right next to them while they learn. They don't check every math problem before moving on to the next one. You don't have to either. It is important to develop autonomy, even in close proximity and even closer relationships.
Some kids are more independent than others. As a teacher, I see children who prefer to use my brain instead of stretching theirs to solve a problem. They do this either for ease or for fear of getting something wrong. A child in my own house has this issue and wants to make sure everything is perfect before moving onto the next step. The problem with this is learning is supposed to be messy, and you are supposed to make mistakes. Those mistakes are where the brain growth happens.
Now trust me, as a parent and teacher, I completely understand that it would be easier and cause less whining, crying and complaining if I just stood right by a child, helping them every step of the way, but that is not realistic or healthy. It sets them up for failure later on. So rest easy; you don't need to sit with your child every second of their school work. This easy to implement system helps create independent learning habits while still allowing the child to feel supported.
Fostering Independent Learning Starts By Setting Check-in Times
Setting up a time that you will check in on progress helps build some of that autonomy and allows you time to do the things you need to get done. The key is clearly communicating your support at the designated time and ensuring both kids and parents are clear on what is expected in between check-in times.
For example, if your child has math to do, both of you should read the directions together. Have them explain to you (based on the directions) what they are supposed to do. It's important they tell you what they are supposed to do, not the other way around, because then you can assess if they understand. Then, ask them to work on the assignment and designate a check-in time.
You may say something like, "Nice job explaining the directions to me, go ahead and try the assignment by yourself and check in with me when you are done. I will help you with anything you need help with or were unable to figure out at our check in, however, I need to see you attempt everything.”
If your child is gets stuck, tell them to make their best guess, and then at check-in time, you can go over it. If your child has an online math component, it should walk kids through problems if they get it wrong. This way, your child attempts the math and is allowed time to try to process the learning without using your brain as a crutch.
For some kids, this will take a few tries; for others, this may seem like a big leap.
Meet your child where they are and expect them to stretch just a bit beyond in their independence. If your child can do math independently for about ten minutes and then gets fatigued or frustrated by the amount that needs to be done, set the check-in time just a bit past the ten-minute mark.
If your child asks you for help on every single math problem, ask them to attempt three (making sure to emphasize the effort of trying over being correct) and then check in with you. Once you have established three independently, you can begin stretching to five. Once your child sees that you are still going to help and support them, but they may need to delay their instant gratification in getting help or relying on you, they can begin to pedal the bike of being an independent learner.
For writing, set the expectation of what the child is to write and then set a check-in time for progress. Often younger children want you to help them spell every word. Resist the urge to spell things for them and help them learn how to sound words out. Not helping your child immediately when they ask may feel weird to you at first, and you may have some behavior push-back if this has been a pattern up until this point. If so, start small and pick an area of ease for that child.
If writing is a hot button for your child, and they haven’t practiced independent learning skills yet, start in an area of strength. If the child is an avid reader, but struggles with writing, start by creating an autonomous reading routine with check-ins and then move to writing when a routine has been established, and the mindset has begun shifting through the reading routine.
SEL Kit, Growing Growth Mindset: How does your child handle adversity? It is always amazing to me how young kids are when they start limiting what they think they can accomplish. Building these skills helps kids go from crumbling under pressure to knowing they can grow anywhere.
Notebooks Help Create Independent Learners
Another suggestion is to have a notebook where kids can write down their questions that aren’t emergencies or need immediate attention. (The ones that aren’t holding up the whole show of learning.) At check-in time, they can pull it out and ask their questions. This gives kids a safety net of knowing they have you there. It builds independence by not expecting you to answer every single question immediately. (Because that is not what happens in the classroom). Along with teaching delayed gratification, it teaches them how to take notes and organize thoughts. Learning how to delay gratification is a huge brain builder that has been shown to lead to greater life-long responsibility, self-satisfaction and higher performance in academics.
A notebook is also a great communication tool to use with older kids to ensure check-in times are productive. It also helps you keep up with what your child is learning. When using a notebook during learning, your child should be able to tell you what they learned, what their questions are about the teaching and what they may not completely understand yet. Asking kids at the end of the day or trying to keep up with what's happening at school while also trying to manage your schedule can be daunting. That is why check-ins can really help keep open communication and learning moving forward.
Do You Sabotage Your Child's Emotional Resilience? A deeper dive into understanding expectation setting and being able to set boundaries and autonomy?
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