The Magic Cure for Mom Guilt
Mom guilt - it’s something we all know well, isn’t it? All you need to do is get a few moms together for coffee and before you know it, the first brave soul will share what she’s currently feeling guilty about in motherhood. It doesn’t take long before all moms take turns sharing their guilt. Take a moment and access how much of your daily parenting is fueled by mom guilt.
Mom guilt because you can’t help your kids with their homework as much as you'd like to.
Mom guilt because you feel like you should be more fun, but you have so much other stuff to concentrate on.
Mom guilt because there are so many things you wish you could buy for your kids.
Mom guilt because your kid is unhappy with what changed with Covid.
Mom guilt because they have to be more independent than you'd like because you are trying to balance a home and work life.
Mom guilt because you can’t stay home with them.
Mom guilt because your meals aren’t always what you’d like to make for them.
Mom guilt because you just can’t afford to put them in competitive soccer this year.
Mom guilt because of a million other reasons.
Let me tell you something you already know: parenting is hard. It is hard with a cherry on top. But piling guilt on top makes it so much harder. Guilt is fueled by fear, and fear-based parenting doesn’t help anyone.
It is hard, especially at this time, not to parent from a fear perspective, but we really have to try. We have to try to make choices out of love for our kids, our families, and, most importantly, ourselves. Because let’s be honest, life is full of turbulence, and if you haven’t secured your own mask on yet, you won’t be much help to the child sitting next to you.
How do I know? Because I am not exempt from mom guilt. (I use the term mom guilt, but this applies to anyone who is a primary caregiver in a child’s life.) I work from home, and there are times when my children need to function independently without me planning their day, cleaning up after them or making sure their toast isn’t burnt. Could this very easily make me feel guilty? Yes! Does it from time to time? Yes! Do I do something about it, so that guilt reflex doesn’t become my new neural pathway? You bet I do, and I will share it with you.
Here’s Exactly What You Need to Do to Cure Mom Guilt
Step One: Be Honest With Yourself
Take a minute to sit down with a piece of paper and write all the things you feel guilt over. Just lay it all out there. Be honest and free with what's running through your brain. Next to that list of reasons you feel guilty, I want you to write why. Go ahead and face it head-on. Why do you feel guilty about it? What is the fear that has you circling the drain of believing you are a good parent? Getting it out there will help create a plan for starving that fear.
Step Two: Make a Choice to Stop Giving Guilt Space to Roll Around in Our Brains
The thing about guilt is that it starts as a small idea of “I’m not enough,” and then does a tornado spin around our brains, picking up everything in its path and throwing it back down, mangled and dripping with stress and anxiety. Some of us are letting several tornadoes of guilt swirl around a day. Then we wonder why we feel disconnected, unable to focus and unable to manage stress and anxiety.
Just picture yourself standing outside while several tornadoes roll through your front yard. Would you feel calm and put together? Heck no! You’d be running around in a panic trying to access what to do. That is what guilt and stress are doing on the inside of our brains. The only difference between a real tornado and the ones in our heads is we have the power to control the tornadoes of guilt, doubt, stress and shame running through our heads.
Step Three: Turn the Fear into an Action Plan of Love
The opposite of fear-based thinking is love-based thinking. Using the fears you have, being self-aware they exist and using them as a catalyst of action to grow deeper love and connection takes away fear's power. Here’s an example of how I made the switch.
The fear loop that led to a mom guilt tornado for me was that my daughter was going to be behind in reading. Whenever I let that little tornado fly through my brain (that my youngest was going to be so far behind the “average” because reading wasn’t as easy or natural to her as my first two kiddos), I would actually feel my chest tighten. Adding to that tornado was the mom guilt tornado that I was not spending enough time with her because of my work. Sound familiar?
Those two tornadoes were quickly becoming a cyclone. I sat down, wrote the guilt with the fear behind it and then asked myself, “What can I do with love that would lessen or eliminate that fear and guilt?” The answer came a lot more quickly than I thought. I could schedule 15-minutes of mom-daughter read-aloud time into my day, so I could check on her progress and help with skills she may need. We call it our mom-daughter book club. We make tea and find a snuggly spot. For fifteen minutes, she gets my undivided attention, and I get to listen to her read and help her. She feels supported and loved, I feel supportive and loving, and the tornadoes become a small breeze.
Replacing Mom Guilt with Mom Love
When we switch to a love-based action, we reinforce the good mom feelings - the loving, caring, connected parent - and that can more easily fill our minds and give us the oxytocin boost we need to help buoy our spirits and drive out stress. When that small whisper of guilt and fear show up again, the real me can quickly remind that fear that I had a mother-daughter book club yesterday, and that thought is actually not true.
Be sure to schedule the love-action activities in so they are on your plate like a meeting would be, and you treat them like the very important meeting that they are.
Be Grateful: 21 Gratitude-Boosting Activities for Families
Want to turn your family into one that seeks out the positive even when it's hard to do so? Like when plans change, when dinner falls squarely on the "gross" list, when they didn't make the team or when their friend can't make their party? Boost Gratitude! You'll find 21 new, fun, family-centered activities that will help you and your family learn to seek out gratitude. We're talking small tweaks that leave a HUGE impact on how you see life. You’ll be laughing, connecting, talking, playing...together. When it seems like it's almost impossible to connect these days, these activities will bring you right back to each other.