Reframing Thoughts: Ditching Negative Self-Talk
Reframing thoughts by ditching negative self-talk
Scientists believe 70% of what we think about ourselves is negative self-talk.
Isn’t that a startling statistic? I often wonder if moms score higher because we aren’t only judging ourselves as a person, but also as the role of mother. Moms, let’s reframe our thoughts and ditch the negative self-talk! We don’t have to live constantly trapped in a negative thought loop. We can train our brains to think differently about ourselves. It takes effort and a few key strategies but it’s critical for our mental health.
It is also critical for raising confident resilient kids. Our kids watch what we do and sense what we think and feel. It’s part of developing their own emotional resiliency skills. If their biggest role model (you) struggles with this, what do they learn?
And let’s be clear. Almost all of us struggle with negative self-talk because our brains are wired to look for danger (negative) first. This serves us well when there really is a danger, but in today’s world, we deal mainly with perceived threats not actual dangerous situations. So what does our brain do? It starts looking for the negative. If there is something we already believe about ourselves that isn’t great or if our self-doubt leaves an open window, we crawl right in a start a negative thought loop.
When we don’t reframe our thoughts, our unchecked negative self-talk can be dangerous to our emotional resilience skills,
Because the more times you loop that negative thought in your head the deeper it gets wired into your neural pathways. That negativity eventually finds its way down to your subconscious which can even lead to mental and chronic health issues. Once there, it becomes your belief system. It literally becomes who you believe you are.
Think back to when you were younger. Did someone ever say something to you that then became a “hang up” of yours or changed the way you did things? That comment (true or just an opinion) caused you to change the way you thought or did something. That thought pattern has been looping since childhood, and at some level, could be affecting your behaviors as an adult.
But you don’t have to live like this. We have the power to reframe our thoughts. We can change that 70% to whatever number we choose. We have the power through neuroplasticity to rewire our brains.
Reframing thoughts is a tool to combat negative self-talk and thought loops.
Here’s how my friend Abby, (a bright, funny, amazing woman), decided to use reframing tools to change her narrative so she can be the best mom to her kids and teach them how to combat the negative self-talk that could hold them back.
Be Nice to My Friend, Abby
“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me!” My mind immediately recalls the early ‘90s Saturday Night Live skit with the Stuart Smalley character anytime I hear someone mention positive self-talk. I’ve always been skeptical of self-affirmations. Aren’t I supposed, to be honest with myself? Don’t I need to beat myself up a little bit, so I don’t become complacent? Shouldn’t I concentrate on my flaws so I can look for ways to improve?
The way we talk to ourselves matters. Negative self-talk can have harmful effects on both mental and physical health. Dr. Richie Davidson, founder, and director of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin-Madison has been studying the effects of self-criticism. He has found that negative self-talk can lead to chronic illnesses and can accelerate aging.
As I learned more about positive self-talk, I decided to try an experiment. I decided to make a conscious effort to speak kindly to myself for an entire week. I literally monitored my thoughts minute-by-minute. When we were late for preschool drop-off yet again, I consciously changed my internal dialogue from “Abby, why can’t you get it together in the mornings?!” to “Abby, good job getting the kids dressed and fed and you even remembered the permission slip!” When I indulged in a dessert table at a friend’s party, I felt my mind go down a familiar self-flagellation path, and I pulled it back and thought “Tonight I’m going to make a green smoothie for dinner.”
To be honest, it felt hokey at first. But here is the thing, I actually started to feel better. I started talking to myself how I talk to my friends. My husband helped me in my experiment, and when he suspected that I was berating myself, he would ask me, “Are you being nice to my friend, Abby right now?”
My biggest worry had been that if I started treating myself kindly, I wouldn’t strive to be my best. However, not only did that not happen, but I also found that I had more energy and was in a better mood (so more able to creatively tackle challenges as they arose) when I came from a place of self-compassion. Just like in meditation when I’m constantly challenged to bring my mind back to my breath, I am constantly challenged to be kind to “my friend Abby.”
As a mom, it is important that I practice positive self-talk in front of my kids. As I’ve become kinder to myself, I’ve been better able to roll with the inevitable spilled-milk-on-the-difficult-to-remove-and-even-harder-to-reattach-car-seat-covers. I’ve also been able to be a role model of self-compassion. As a recovering perfectionist, it has been really powerful for me to share my compassionate inner dialogue with my four-year-old daughter. It must be working because as we were five minutes late for yet another event, she said, “We’ll make better choices tomorrow morning, Mom.” Indeed, we will.
Written by Guest Blogger: Abby Lemke
Get Started Reframing Thoughts
Are you ready to try reframing your thoughts? Here are some resources, but remember to be patient with yourself on this journey and just make a consistent practice of trying again. Scientists believe a new habit takes about 66 days to even begin to form, so don’t give up. The great thing about reframing your thoughts is that it’s choosing a new neural pathway each time. Eventually, it will become the superhighway of your thought patterns.