Knowing what to say when our kids are going through a difficult moment can be tough, especially when the child needs to boost their problem solving skills. How do you show support but not fix the problem for them, so they build the emotional resilience and problem solving skills they need to deal with setbacks life hands us all?

Asking these five problem solving questions helps parents respond instead of reacting and builds kids ability to look for their own solutions and not blame others. It also allows for acknowledgment of feelings and can create stronger emotional trust between kids and parents. As parents, we want to acknowledge the feelings the child may be having and then choose a response.

These are all super simple questions; however, the impact they can have in steering your parenting toward growth and away parent-driven problem solving can be huge for brain growth and personal growth of your child.

How are you feeling right now?

So often, when kids are visibly struggling, we want to solve the issue. What kids NEED, however, is emotional support to help them gain the emotional strength they need to problem solve it themselves. Allowing kids to verbalize and acknowledge uncomfortable feelings is a way to help them emotionally check-in on their feelings in a way that lessens their need to act from fear or frustration. 

How often have you told someone about your problem and were frustrated when they tried to solve it for you? You just wanted them to listen, not solve your problem, right? Well, kids feel the same thing! They may not want you to solve it, but they do want their feelings validated and recognized, so it’s an excellent place to start.

I can’t tell you how many times I ask this only to get a teary hug. No one wanted me to solve anything! They just wanted a caring adult to ask them how they were. After a hug and a few reassuring words, most often, kids will bounce back and try. We all just need to know someone cares about our feelings.

How would you like to solve that?

This! This one little question can help you support that kiddo while putting the question back to them. It’s so simple, yet the intention is that the child is going to take the lead and the parent is the supporting role, not the director.

The first time you ask this, don’t be surprised if you get a blank stare or push back. If your child doesn’t regularly problem solve, they may feel at a loss for how to proceed. Help coach them that you trust them to come up with some ideas you can both work with. This leads a child into problem-solving, compromise, weighing options, empathy, divergent and creative thinking skills.

Even if your kiddos come up with an unrealistic solution, praise them for their efforts. Tell them you appreciate the jumping-off point and ask if there were any more ideas they thought of that might fit a bit better. 

Is there a part of that I can help with?

This question is great if you need to help, but want your child to take ownership of problem solving the issue. If learned helplessness is something your child struggles with, use this phrase to let them know they are supported, but you are not doing it for them. It’s important to step back from the parts that your child knows how to do independently, but offer support to teach them (not do for them), how to do the areas where they still need help. 

This phrase helps with multi-step homework. As children progress in school, they have multi-step problems. Many times they know how to do parts, but the one tricky or new part will hang them up and hold them back from attempting the question at all. Acknowledge and support the part they do need help with, but allow them to evacuate and dissect the parts they can do themselves

Pro Parent Tip: This question can help when you are trying to get out the door and your child is standing there doing nothing or having a meltdown about getting ready. If it’s a routine you’ve done before, there is usually one part that hangs them up, but it slows the whole process to a grinding halt. If you said, “I need you to get your coat, shoes, hat and water bottle” and your child begins having a systematic meltdown, or perhaps you are trying to get another kiddo ready, or the kid you asked to get their stuff on is dancing around the room instead of getting ready, try this phrase. Is there a part I can help you with brings them back into focus and helps you both understand what the real issue is. When I ask a kiddo to get their coat, shoes, hat and water bottle and they meltdown, I’ll always ask this question. If the response is, “I can’t zip my coat” then I know, ok, the coat is the issue here. I can assure them I will help with the zipper if needed, but they can get started with the other tasks and hooray just like that we are back on track.

What would you like to do next?

This helps kids see the forest through the trees. It is focusing on what will come after so they can have an anchor point for getting through the struggle. We, as grown-ups, do this all the time. “When I get all these kids in bed, then I will….” Have you ever thought that? I sure have, and it gets you through that difficult part of putting the kids to bed.

Often I hear this phrase, “When you get this done, you can go do__________”. I prefer, “What would you like to do next?” because you have taken your own emotion out, and it sounds less like a bribe. It allows the child to make a decision or set a goal independent of a parent’s feelings. It gives them a choice.

Pro parent tip: If the task at hand is multi-step, break into smaller parts, and create a visual reminder. Have your child cross each part as it gets done. This can help it feel more manageable and less overwhelming. Make it fun by drawing a mountain and having your child pretend to climb up until they reach the goal top. I have seen many children jump right in once I draw a tiny picture with the steps of how to break down. It has saved me from many kid meltdowns.

What is important in the long term?

This is not typically a question you want to ask in the heat of the moment. This is a follow-up question to develop consistency in parenting and to help your child understand that the ask, issue or the struggle is part of a bigger picture. Perhaps your child had a meltdown about whatever you asked them to do, and you gave a consequence; use this question as a way to discuss how it could go better next time. 

In my own home, if a child is having a full-on amygdala response and is unable to have a meaningful conversation, I will use this at a more calm point. This avoids going into lecture mode and allows kids to figure out what the point is and how it relates to their growth. It also helps builds awareness of our connection to our goals and the greater world.

Pro Parent Tip: When your kid thinks you are the worst for making them ___________(fill in the blank with any number of things), asking them this question makes them lean on the empathetic skills and dive more in-depth than the surface idea of why they don’t like it. We all don’t like doing some things, but we do them anyway. Why? Usually, two reasons: it will help us get further along, or it will help someone else get further along. Bringing it back to how this is going to help you, in the long run, helps your child bring perspective to the situation.

Bonus Phrase: Here is what I need you to do, please.

When being asked to accomplish a task, be direct, concise and systematic. Our brains respond well to routine and small steps. If you want your kids to clean their room, but when you go to check later, it’s still a mess, and you feel the blood pressure rising and a lecture coming, try using this phrase. It will help you break things down, and you will become clear in your expectations. 

Instead of the big ask, “go clean your room” break it down into what that means. “Here is what I need you to do: make your bed, pick up your floor, hang things in the closet, put your toys away.” There are four tangible steps to being done. If your child needs even more help, break those down even more. “Here’s what you need to do: pull your sheets up, put the comforter on straight, fix the pillows (make your bed).”

You may think you are clear by simply saying clean your room, but if it isn’t getting done, then do something different to help your child get it done by themselves without you going in and doing it for them. If you are doing that, please stop. All you are teaching your child is that they don’t have to be responsible, and you are encouraging learned helplessness. This will come back to bite you when you really do need them to be accountable. 

Pro Parent tip: Some kids have a hard time keeping things in order in their heads. To help them focus, actually give them a checklist that they can check off when each step is complete. This helps with accountability, and it keeps you from repeating yourself to the point of questioning your own sanity.