Parenting during COVID-19 is a whole new ballgame for a lot of parents and maybe a big eye-opener. One area that had my house struggling was having consistent respect from my kids in an ever-changing world of restrictions. Because they are kids, often, the rules and limitations of the world get blamed on me, even if not intentionally. While they understand that the world is shutting down, their lack of social connection, school and house-bound rules often get relayed in a big bummer attitude and resentment that feels targeted in moments where they feel unsure of the stability of the world outside their door. When kids feel unsure, their behaviors can change. That was exactly what I began to see from my oldest two children (ages 14,10).

As a parent, I understand that they are struggling to grapple with what is going on (we all are). Still, I can’t allow disrespect to run rampant and overtake the control we do have, which is to maintain a positive mindset and work together. If you also have noticed some behaviors or you’ve been letting some lack of respect live in your home, and now that you are spending a lot of time there, you can see the need for a change, let me share with you the four-step process that worked in our home and with families I have helped.

PARENT PREP

Write down the behaviors that you see as disrespectful. Perhaps it’s talking back, talking unkindly to siblings, constantly complaining, not picking up...you know what you’re seeing. Also, write down how this affects the family. If there is behavior specific to one child, note that. If you can’t name it, you can’t change it. Too often, we name it at a time that we are feeling frustrated, and to get it to stop, we jump to a reaction instead of a solution. It may temporarily put out the spark of behavior, but it won’t put out the fire. Write everything down as an observation instead of an accusation.

I sat down and wrote a list of behaviors and incidents that were the most frustrating to me. In our house, it was a lack of listening and not being a team player. The teenager’s main issue was speaking unkindly to siblings, while the ten-year-old’s issue was complaining when being asked to do just about anything. I also noticed a shift, focusing on the negative instead of being grateful for what we do have. This negative focus was sinking the mood of the whole house.

BUILDING GRATITUDE

Have a conversation with your child about your list - what you have noticed and what you would like to see change. Note that you would like to see the focus change from what might be missing or restricted to the things we can control and still be grateful for. Ask your child to create a list of all the things they are grateful for during this time. If your child struggles with creating a list of 10 or more, consider adding a consistent gratitude practice to your day to help boost neurotransmitters.

Here are some resources that can help with boosting gratitude:

• 21 Days of Fun, Engaging Family Gratitude Activities

• Gratitude Words: 30 Ways to Say You're Grateful (Free Printable!)

• The Power of Gratitude: How Gratitude Makes Parenting Easier

I gave both my kids directions to create a list of gratitudes at least ten items long and to really think about all that they do have in their lives. I told them to find me when they completed their list so that we could talk about them.

ESTABLISH A CODE

Based on your conversation with your child, ask them to create their own code of conduct. Businesses often use a code of conduct as an agreement for employees to follow guidelines and rules of how to act to ensure the good of the whole. Most likely, your kids have a code of conduct at school. Personal codes of conduct are similar! It’s how you hold yourself accountable for actions, and explain what that looks like in habits and behaviors. Kids should develop their own codes of moral and ethical conduct so they can steer their decision making and choices as they navigate the world. This lesson of navigating disrespectful behavior could be a blessing in disguise when it comes to helping your kid establish, reaffirm or grow in this skill set.

Your child can take the points of concern from your observations and craft how they plan on acting in the future. They can also choose how they would like to be treated. Allowing kids ownership in crafting their first draft can help them take a self-reflective look at behaviors they may not have been fully aware of and the impact of those behaviors on others. (This will be a working document that may take revision for kids and parents to be on the same page.)

After the first draft, go over it with your child. In general, did they understand what you were asking them to do? Or do they need guidance from you on how to focus on solutions to respect issues? Coming from a kind, teaching mindset, help them walk through their code, and suggest tweaks or ways they can become key players of respect in your house. Remember to model respect for their ideas in your conversation with them, even if they weren’t exactly what you were looking for. Your kids may also come up with ideas you may not have thought of.

Step four is creating consequences for breaches in the code of conduct, so be sure to ask your child to be specific in explaining how their code behaviors will look. They will be making the corresponding consequences if their code is broken.

I was pleasantly surprised by both my kid’s codes of conduct. They were reflective about areas they needed to work on and took responsibility by making a plan of how they were going to conduct themselves going forward. We all agreed that this would serve as a reset button for how to act and treat each other. The week following ran much more smoothly, and my kids were much more aware of their behaviors.

CREATE CONSEQUENCES

Parenting is hard enough without having to be the discipline police. Putting ownership on the child and creating a real sense of responsibility for actions is a great way to build character and cut down on parental frustration. Ask your child to create a list of consequences for not following their code of conduct. A list of 5-10 possible consequences is a good amount for kids. Again, this is a working document, as parents and kids have to agree that the consequence fits the disrespect. Some kids will over-compensate, and some under-compensate, so having an open mind and letting your child know that this document will be open for discussion is helpful.

My kids were harder on themselves than I would have been for some consequences, and we had a very insightful discussion about why the consequence fit the crime. It gave me hope that the rest of our long term stay-cation will be one of learning how to improve our self-regulation and hold ourselves accountable for treating each other the way we deserve to be treated.

OPTIONAL BRAIN BOOST STEP

This last step is optional, but I find it helpful. I asked each child to start their day with gratitude while we were in COVID lockdown. Usually, we do our Three-a-Day Gratitude Game, but since we can’t be out and about, we are taking time to set the tone each morning to focus on being grateful. Sometimes we do journals, sometimes we choose a gratitude builder from Be Grateful: 21 Gratitude Boosting Activities for Families but we always do it in the morning to boost those neurotransmitters and set the tone for the day. As a parent, starting my day with a warm fuzzy when I see what my children are grateful for is what I think the world needs more of right now.